Onyinye: The Flower That Bloomed in the Harshest Soil

 In the heart of the ancient village of Amanuke, a place where time had stubbornly refused to move forward, customs from the stone age still dictated the rhythm of life. Amanuke was a land of elders’ decrees, drumbeats at dusk, and paths lit only by moonlight and fireflies. In this world, a girl named Onyinye was born, but her first breath came with a heavy price.

Her mother, Adaeze, died in childbirth, her final breath a whisper of blessing on the newborn’s forehead. Her father, Okafor, a quiet but strong-willed man, was left to raise his daughter alone. In a culture that expected women to raise children and men to work the farms, Okafor became both father and mother to little Onyinye. He carried her on his back to the farm, fed her with his calloused hands, and sang lullabies only mothers used to know.

But fate was not done testing them.

By the time Onyinye turned fourteen, the man who had fought the world to protect her fell ill. With no one to turn to and no healer capable of saving him, Okafor passed on, leaving Onyinye all alone in a world that had never been kind to women without fathers, mothers, or wealth.

The villagers saw her as cursed. The youth mocked her; she was the butt of cruel jokes, and her peers made caricatures of her suffering. She walked with her head held high, yet her heart ached with every insult thrown at her like stones. She had no money, no protection, no support—only the fierce will to survive and the spirit of her father echoing in her soul.

Still, she endured.

She worked odd jobs, fetched water for elders, cleaned market stalls, and lived in a broken mud hut left by her father. Many tried to take advantage of her. But Onyinye feared nothing, and her courage became her shield.

Then, one day, when the clouds of her life seemed darkest, she met Ikemuefuna.

Ikemuefuna was not like the other village youths. He was a quiet thinker, a skilled carver, and a man who saw the soul before the face. Where others saw poverty, he saw resilience. Where others saw shame, he saw grace. Slowly, he drew near to Onyinye, not with flattery, but with honor.

Their love blossomed like the Ube tree in the harmattan—quiet, defiant, beautiful.

Together, they faced ridicule and pressure. People whispered: "How can a boy like Ikem love a girl with nothing?" But love is its own power. Respect became their language. Together, they built a small home, humble but full of peace. Onyinye stood beside Ikem, not behind him, and together they lifted each other through every storm.

Years passed. Onyinye gave birth to two radiant children—Ogonna, the wise, and Netochukwu, the brave. And as the children grew, so did the hearts of Amanuke’s people.

The villagers began to see that what they called weakness was actually strength. What they mocked was purity. Slowly, their eyes opened.

And none more so than Mama Chiziterem, Onyinye’s childhood friend and now an elder widow. She had watched Onyinye grow from a broken girl into a pillar of grace. With no daughter of her own, she embraced Onyinye as her own blood, calling her Nwam oma—my good child.

Amanuke changed—not overnight—but with every child Onyinye taught to read under the mango tree, with every carved stool Ikem made that found its way into homes once cold to him. Traditions softened. Respect grew.

Onyinye, the girl who faced the world alone, had become the woman who changed her world with nothing but courage, love, and the memory of a father who taught her that strength doesn’t come from power—but from the heart.

Should You Get Your Ex Back?

Winning your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?

 My name is Bisi, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. 

I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step-by-step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.

I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my 10 years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

FAQ: But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

ANS: I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

 

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

 I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So, let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling and Texting Them All the Time

Chibisi, we broke up 1 weeks ago. Since then, I have messaged him every day constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact, every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So, whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

FAQ: But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?

You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging and Trying to Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person. (Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.)

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

"If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back."

(If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.)

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

 Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

 Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.

Well, guess what?

 Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex-respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, right?

 The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

FS: If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______"

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.

 The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex in a Rebound Relationship? https://books.google.com.ng/books?id=hbO6EAAAQBAJ&lpg=PP1&pg=PA114#v=twopage&q&f=false Find Out with These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (The faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship cannot fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a

 

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time and Space 

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

No Calling

No Texting

No Facebook Messaging

No Online Contact of Any Kind (Facebook, IG, X, Whatsapp)

No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)

No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three Reasons:

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something,

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

FAQ: Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

 However, if your ex is currently calling you every day or texting you every day, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now. 

FAQ: Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

 Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

FAQ: Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

FAQ: Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call. 

FAQ: What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact? 

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

FAQ: Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days? 

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happier person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you. (Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

Positive Changes in Your Appearance.

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

* Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylist and find out what is in fashion these days.

* Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.

* Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.

* Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex-girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve every day. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something every day to make yourself feel good about yourself.

2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.

3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.

4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very unattractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.

5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship.

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like 

I love him/her.

I can’t live without him/her. 

I am miserable without my ex.

Him/her was the only one for me.

I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.

For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.

Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals. (Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?-https://mylifemywaymydestinyblog.blogspot.com/2025/04/should-you-get-your-ex-back.html

Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.

Do you really think you can have a happy and long-lasting relationship with your ex?

Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?

You are making a huge decision right now. So, you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.

And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.

You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

 Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)

You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.

You have made a few positive changes in your life.

You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)

You have gone on at least one date during no contact.

You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.

You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter before calling them.

The Letter

FAQ: Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

 A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

This letter has three purposes.

To let your ex, know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)

To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)

To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.

 Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.

Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

"Hey”

“Hey, how are you?”

“I miss you”

“:)” 

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“I want you back in my life”

“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”

“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.

Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”

“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “

“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.” 

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you. “

“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.

Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.

If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.

The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.

However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like “Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”

Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). 

Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationship is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

#bRealOutThere

✍ Ezeileagu Chibisi Chidubem

Tips for Dating After a Divorce

 

Dating after divorce can be a minefield for the midlife woman. Perhaps even thornier than pondering what to wear on a date, where to go, who pays — not to mention how you even find people to date in this brave new world of Internet match-ups — is getting over your reluctance to take a stab at it. Why is it so hard?

"A divorced woman may feel very vulnerable at this stage, in part because she used to have a spouse to 'protect' her and now she has to go out into the world on her own,"  But it's also tough, because once you're on the dating scene you can feel like a teenager again, in that shaky, unconfident, not-sure-if-he'll-call sort of way.

So how can you make post-divorce dating — whether you're looking for a good time or a good (relationship-minded) man — less daunting?

FIGURE OUT IF YOU'RE READY.

Whether it's been one year or six since the divorce decree, you may never know with absolute clarity that you're ready for another relationship. Instead, "it's usually clear when you're not ready,"  That is when the very idea turns you off. But once the idea of going on a date comes into your mind and you don't want to chase it out again, you're at least ready to start.If it's truly awful, you can take a step back and wait some more.

2. FEEL THE FEAR — AND DO IT ANYWAY.

Contemplating the dating scene, many divorced women feel not just garden-variety nerves, but "actual terror," . Just remember that your fears are normal — after all, you're dealing with or have dealt with a major betrayal and upheaval — and that you don't have to jump all the way in. "Dip a toe in at a time. Tell a few trusted friends that you're interested in meeting people. Accept invitations to parties."

3. AVOID NEGATIVE THINKING.

While it's not unheard of for a woman wounded by a painful divorce to make statements like "all men are jerks" or "all the good ones are taken," that's obviously not a good mindset to have to go into dating. "That kind of thinking can tank your mood — and cause you to limit your chances of getting out there and finding love." By forcing yourself to keep your negative thoughts in check, you'll soon be in the habit of thinking optimistically, which will in turn make you more ready to date again.

4. KNOW THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

A divorcée may also feel that there's something "wrong" with her since her marriage fell apart,  If that's the case, start training yourself now to recognize self-sabotaging thoughts, and when self-doubts start to pop up, "visualize a giant red stop sign, or a voice yelling, 'Stop!'"

5. DETERMINE YOUR DATING INTENTION.

You've ;decided to start dating — isn't that your "intention" right there? Not completely,  "Sit down and craft a statement of what, exactly, you're after. Is it a partner in life? A short-term liaison that might lead to something? Just some fun for now? The idea is that you should consciously decide how you want to proceed," which will in turn inform how you go about meeting people.

6. RETHINK YOUR DEFINITION OF DATING.

When, asks Divorced words that come to mind when they think of "dating." Not surprisingly, words like "awful" and "dreadful" come up. If you feel the same way, I offers this advice: "I suggest you try to reframe it as an adventure, or as an education, "Dating can be a way to sharpen your social skills too." And, of course, a way to get out of the house and have some fun! 

7. GET ONLINE.

Possibly, the last time you dated there wasn't even an Internet, much less Internet dating. But if you were thinking that searching for companionship online is strictly for losers or perverts, forget it — that's as outmoded as dial-up. "Online dating is not only mainstream, it's one of the best ways to widen your search, rather than just hoping that you'll meet someone in the coffee or glossaries shop,"  And these days, there's a site for everyone.

8. DON'T DRAG OUT ONLINE CONTACT.

Once you "meet" someone online,  it's easy to build up a fantasy of what he is like based on his profile and the emails you exchange. "My rule of thumb is to meet in person within two weeks of making online contact." Might as well find out as soon as you can if the chemistry is virtual — or real. Of course, when you do meet, take basic safety precautions. "Tell a friend where you'll be and when you expect to be home, and meet for coffee in a public place," very important.

9. REMEMBER THAT DATING IS A NUMBERS GAME.

"Four out of five men you go out with will disappear,"  It's just the nature of the dating world. He may have seemed great, but loses interest, or is dating someone else, or has problems you will never know about. Don't take it personally, and instead try to remember that if you're meeting a lot of people, the number of bad apples will go up — but so will the odds that you'll meet a few good apples too.

10. DATE AROUND.

I recommends, to start by dating several guys at the same time. For a couple of reasons: First, you're not putting all your eggs — or hopes — into one basket. Second, you can compare what you like and don't like. Maybe one guy is very funny, but you enjoy another man's intellectual stimulation. "You can see what you might want in a relationship going forward,"  even if it's not with any of these guys.

11. BUT BE HONEST.

While I fully supports seeing multiple people at one time when you first start dating, I does say there's one caveat: making sure everyone knows. "Just say, 'I'm enjoying dating you, but I want you to know that for now, I'm also seeing others casually.'"

12. DON'T LET YOUR KIDS STOP YOU.

Hopefully, it's obvious to you that if you have children at home, you shouldn't bring dates around unless it's somewhat serious. That said, don't let a fear of your children being upset or disapproving stop you from getting out there if you feel ready to. "Too many women hide behind their kids as an excuse, not to date,"  . Be up-front and respectful, but don't apologize for wanting to date. "Most children just want their parent to be happy, and may be less likely to object than you imagine," she says.

#beRealOutThere

✍ Ezeileagu Chibisi Chidubem

Inner Engineering

What you refer to as a rock and what you refer to as ultimate divinity are the same thing, one is just crude and the other is more subtle.

As a human you have broken away from the more crude levels of existence, but you have yet to reach the more subtle levels. 

Out of fear and your longing to survive, you tend to make yourself more like a rock, but as soon as you do, you feel a certain existential discomfort within, and a pull towards the subtle, so you drink, smoke, party and fuck until you’re laying in a puddle. 

Puddles are shallow. 

The subtle is deep like the ocean. 

The spiritual process is when you consciously take yourself to the subtle.

The long, hard struggle will take you to the subtle. 

The soft, cushy, pleasure seeking life will turn you into a rock.

Funny how that works. 

Most people who have a spiritual experience are unable to sustain it. 

They go up briefly, and then they come crashing back down. 

They’d rather jump than build a staircase. 

Most of what you see on here are people talking about their jumps. 

Very few are building a staircase. 

Everyday you do your Kriya, your practice, you build your staircase. 

A house isn’t built overnight. When you hammer one nail into a piece of wood, it seems like nothing is happening, but if you do it day after day, piece by piece, nail after nail, eventually you’ll have a house. 

Or everyday you can smoke, jump and come down. Pop some pills, have some s*x, jump and come down. If that’s not enough, mushrooms, ayahuasca, bigger jump, then come down. 

Or you can humbly do your Kriya day after day, and build your staircase one step at a time. 

That’s why my tweets are long - even though attention spans are short - because the staircase is long.

This applies to every area of life too. Did you go to the gym everyday or did you get liposuction? 

Did you do a crypto rug pull or did you build a business? Did you take molly at a rave one night or did you do your Kriya everyday until tears of joy streamed down your face?

Get your followers, get your engagement, get your money. You don’t have to do the work to build the stairs, but don’t delude yourself or others into thinking jumping will let you stay there. 

That’s what turns people away from spirituality. They can sense that you’re talking about somewhere that you’re not. 

I know I’ll make the jumpers defensive and uncomfortable, because when I first learned about the stairs I was defensive and uncomfortable, and there’s days I still want to jump, and sometimes I do, but you always have to come back to the stairs, because in the end what’s really a safer and more sustainable way to get up there?

It might not be as glamorous, it might not be as exciting, there might not be any fireworks, but you will slowly build up to a certain level, and when you get there you won’t fall because you went up on the stairs, you didn’t just jump from somewhere.

Written by @SadhguruJV

Healing from Betrayal: Moving Forward After Friendship and Relationship Betrayal

 There are few emotional wounds more painful than betrayal. Whether it’s a friend who breaks your trust, a partner who cheats, or a loved one who disappoints you, the pain cuts deep. Betrayal shakes the foundation of relationships and leaves you questioning everything—yourself, your choices, and the people you once trusted.

But here’s the truth: Healing is possible, and moving forward is not only necessary—it’s empowering. In this post, I want to talk about how to heal from betrayal, how to regain trust in yourself and others, and how to emerge stronger from these painful experiences.

1. Acknowledge the Pain: Allow Yourself to Feel

Before you can heal, you must acknowledge the pain you feel. Betrayal leaves emotional wounds, and pretending they don’t exist only prolongs the healing process. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, anger, sadness, and disappointment. It’s okay to be upset, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of trust in someone you once held dear.

• Don’t suppress your emotions: Give yourself permission to be angry or heartbroken. Suppressing your emotions will only lead to deeper emotional scars.

• Take time for yourself: Step back from the situation and allow yourself time to process. This may mean taking a break from the person who betrayed you, or it may simply mean stepping back to reflect and find some inner peace.

2. Understanding the Why: Does It Help or Hinder Healing?

Sometimes, we seek answers to the “why” behind the betrayal. Why did they do it? What was their motivation? While understanding the reasons behind the betrayal can offer some clarity, it’s important not to get stuck in this loop of questioning. In many cases, the answers will never bring the closure or peace you're hoping for.

• Focus on your healing, not their actions: It’s natural to want to understand why it happened, but remember that their actions are a reflection of them—not you. Don’t waste your emotional energy trying to make sense of something that may never make sense.

• The truth often lies within you: Reflect on your own feelings and actions. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself, but rather understanding how you can grow from the experience. This reflection allows you to move forward empowered rather than stuck in the past.

3. Rebuilding Trust: How to Trust Again After Betrayal

Trust is a fragile thing, and when it’s broken, it can feel impossible to rebuild. But here’s something important: Trust begins with YOU. Before you can trust others again, you need to rebuild trust in yourself.

• Trust your instincts: When betrayal happens, our first instinct is often to blame ourselves or ignore the red flags. Trusting yourself again means learning to listen to your gut and honoring your feelings in future relationships.

• Take small steps: Rebuilding trust with others takes time, and it’s okay to take small, deliberate steps. Set clear boundaries and communicate openly. Be patient with yourself as you rebuild this important aspect of your emotional well-being.

• Trust doesn't mean ignoring red flags: After betrayal, you become more aware of unhealthy behavior patterns. Use this awareness to create stronger boundaries and make more informed decisions in future relationships.

4. Forgiveness: Letting Go of the Grudge for Your Own Peace

Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the betrayal or letting the person off the hook. It means letting go of the weight of anger, resentment, or bitterness that’s holding you back. Forgiveness is for you—it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional burden that betrayal leaves behind.

• Forgiveness is a gift to yourself: Letting go of the grudge is one of the most powerful things you can do for your emotional well-being. Holding onto anger only hurts you in the long run.

• Forgiveness takes time: It’s important to know that forgiveness is not an immediate process. It takes time, and it’s okay to forgive at your own pace.

• Forgiving doesn’t mean reconciling: You can forgive someone without allowing them back into your life. Sometimes, healing means choosing to walk away from people who have hurt you, even if you’ve forgiven them.

5. Moving Forward: Releasing the Past and Embracing New Relationships

Once you’ve processed the pain, understood your own role in the healing process, and forgiven, it’s time to look forward. This doesn’t mean rushing into new relationships, but it does mean giving yourself permission to love again—whether that’s friendships or romantic connections.

• Learn from the experience: Every painful experience holds lessons. Take the time to reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself, about trust, and about what you truly need in relationships. These lessons will guide you in making healthier choices moving forward.

• Embrace new beginnings: Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting what happened—it means creating space for new, healthier relationships to blossom. Be open to the idea that not everyone will betray your trust, and some people are worth trusting again.

• You are worthy of love and respect: No betrayal can take away your worth. Remember that you deserve relationships built on trust, respect, and mutual care. Don’t settle for anything less.

  
  
  

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Conclusion:

Betrayal is painful, but it doesn’t define who you are or what you deserve. Healing takes time, but with self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to understanding yourself, you will come out stronger on the other side.

Take this journey one step at a time. The road to healing might be long, but with every step, you’re letting go of the past and making space for brighter, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships in the future.

And remember: No one has the power to take your peace or your worth. You are stronger than you know, and you are deserving of love and trust.

✍Ezeileagu Chibisi Chidubem